Happy Anniversary!!!!
Happy Saturday. Natalie and I are celebrating 33 years of marriage today. Michael and Kimberly are on their way here and they will join us for dinner at Hannah’s this evening. Let me share a few thoughts about marriage and anniversaries.
Natalie and I got married in 1987. She was and is the only women I have ever told that “ I love you.” It took me 5-6 months to tell her that I loved her, but once that happened it has never changed. Over 33 years my love has only grown. Now I have to be honest, my love has been imperfect, but it has grown year after year.
In 2001 a good friend, Dale Bresee, gave me a book called Wild at Heart, by John Eldridge. This book was a game changer for me. Natalie and I had been married for 13 years. I loved her and was working hard on our marriage. But I had a very unhealthy desire for her love to make me okay. I had so many broken and unhealthy parts of myself and a screwed up belief that if my wife loved me really well I would be okay. Today, I don’t believe that my wife’s love is what makes me okay. Wild at Heart gave me a new perspective that I have been working on for the last 20 years.
This book helped me begin to recognize being loved and defined, ultimately had to come from my relationship with God. I began to see God as a Father. My father died when I was 3. I had no memory of him and that wound and grief had caused me to have many doubts and questions about myself. The big reality from reading this book caused me to sit one morning very early and write some thoughts in my journal. The big idea was, Natalie’s love, just like mine, would be imperfect. I began to believe that if I focused on God’s love and made that a priority, maybe I could learn to love her well. This was a part of our relationship I had complete control in and ultimately what mattered most. Learn to be loved by God as his son and let that love flow into my marriage and relationship with Natalie.
Now let me be perfectly honest, I do not do this with perfection. I can also say I have grown so much in this area. It has been a game changer for me and I have used this idea in my marriage counseling and pre-marriage couple work for years. Everyone has experienced imperfect parents. I have been an imperfect father to my children. For years, I have tried to help my kids see that my love for them is real and imperfect, but the love of God as their Father, His love is perfect. I want them to seek that first, then experience my love. If God’s love becomes a priority and something you experience, the love of others matters but it is not the most important.
Side bar note here. Since I had someone cut into my brain Tuesday, it does not feel like it is working at it’s best. I’m definitely having a hard time keeping my thoughts all organized. So I will stop with this idea.
Take a look at the image I drew. Marriage is a beautiful gift. Having Natalie to share my life with has been one of my greatest joys. Seeing her have to deal with my brain tumor and the uncertainty of this life has been so stinking hard. I have always planned on 50 years of marriage. I don’t know if that is still possible, but I guess I never knew it would be for sure. I am a part of who Natalie is and she is a part of who I am. After 33 years, that will never change regardless of how this brain tumor impacts us. I am grateful for my wife. She is an amazing women, mother, friend, leader, lover. We are both loved by the God of creation and as we grow in that truth and reality we each grow closer together.
So… remember you are first loved by God the Father. His love is perfect and as you grow in that you can and will love your spouse better and better.
Peace,