“The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever.”

Good Morning! Hope your week is going well. Just a few thoughts to share with you this morning.

I should find out today or Monday the details from my brain surgery and what some next steps might be. I did really well about half the day yesterday and we will see how today goes. I spent some time this morning reading When Breath Becomes Air, by Paul Kalanithi. I read this book two years ago and at the time had an overwhelming sense, that it was preparing me for something that was coming. This is a beautiful story, Paul was a neurosurgeon who ended up with lung cancer and died.

There were reasons the story really resonated with me. I had a sense that I was going to live out this story. A year and a half ago I ended up with a tumor on my kidney that was cancer, had that removed and have done fine. That really did not scare me too much. The first Dr said we would have to remove my kidney and I thought okay. I will be fine with one kidney. The next Dr I went to see said, “no reason to remove your kidney, let’s cut out the tumor and you will be good to go.” That worked well. Took about a month to recover and I was back at it.

In October I started having seizures. At first I had not idea what was going on. I would get this bad, kind of metal taste in my mouth and get really disoriented for about a minute. I actually explained this to two Dr’s who basically said I was stressed out and needed to manage my stress. These seizures were really starting to freak me out a little but I really had no idea what was going on. I did notice I was beginning to have a headache in the same area of my head day to day and found that very odd. I finally had a yearly check up with my oncologist, Dr. Lohrey. Was going over my MRI information with him and I had a seizure in front of him an he quickly was concerned. Said I needed to have an MRI on my brain and see what was going on. What was going on is, I have a brain tumor. Long story to get me back to the book, When Breath Becomes Air.

Paul wrote; “to the patient and family, the brain surgery is usually the most dramatic event they have ever faced and, as such, has the impact of a major life event. At those critical junctures, the question is not simply whether to live or die but what kind of life is worth living.” He writes a beautiful and meaningful story first based on his work as a neurosurgeon and working with people who are dying. But his story changes when he realizes he has cancer and he is going to die.

The big question he ask is centered around the idea of how the “brain mediates our experience in the world.” The question he then tried to figure out as he worked with people was this. “What makes life meaningful enough to go on living?” I believe this is a great question. I have been sitting with this question for several weeks now. In the next few days I will get some clarity on the severity of my brain tumor and how it will ultimately effect my life.

Where I have tremendous peace is that idea in 1 John. This life we each live is temporary. It is not eternal and was never intended to be eternal. This life is very deceptive. The world offers so many things that appear to offer joy, peace, significance, identity and life, but in reality offer disappointment, frustration and emptiness. The Kingdom of God is eternal. I don’t fully understand that but my faith is defiantly bent very much in that direction.

I am in no way ready to leave this life. I am so grateful for the work I have done for years. The gift people have given me to share their hurts, disappointments, pain and their struggles with this life. At some point I realized I can’t fix anyone. I can love them, see them, try and understand them and help them realize their lives matter and they are loved and of great value. That could not happen until I began to understand that truth about me. I don’t doubt for a second that I am loved and of great value. I am broken, an imperfect husband and father, pastor and counselor. That truth over the years has become a reality but not a reality that defines me.

I want my life to have meaning enough to go on living. When that is gone I want to be able to let go and in faith give my life fully to God trusting he will give me that transition to eternal life. That does not cause much pain for me. My pain today is how this is impacting Natalie and my kids. My greatest joy, hands down in this life has been being a husband, father and grandfather.

I want to encourage you today. You too are loved by the God of creation. There are some ways this life is deceptive. Some things that the world suggest are of great value and they really are not. What is of great value is that you each realize how much you life matters, how much you are loved and of great value. Your value is not based on your career, how much money you have or stuff you have acquired. Those things are not necessarily evil, but they can be very misleading.

I will stop rambling, my brain is not at 100% but I hope some of this makes sense. Enjoy today, be grateful for something and know you are loved.

Peace,