“BUT I TRUST IN YOUR UNFAILING LOVE…”
Happy Friday! Hope each of you had a wonderful week and are ready for the weekend. I have had a rough week with my radiation and chemotherapy. I have had a nice mix of some good days and some awful days and most of those happened on the same day. I have started sleeping almost sitting up and that had helped with the headaches. By late afternoon and evening, I have been experiencing some really bad headaches. I am pretty sure it is part of the reality of having a brain tumor. A few thoughts about the reality of that.
There are several different names I have heard relating to my brain tumor. But one of the main names is “Glioblastoma.” I am at a stage 4, which is the back side, and there is really no good info, future or care for a glioblastoma tumor. They take your life, and it’s simply a matter of how long. I get put in a normal expectation and range of 6 - 18 months. No one know for sure… it can be less and it can be a little longer. None of this is new information to me. The challenge are the days or nights when my head is killing me and it’s very difficult to engage with others, rest and relax.
I have read through the Bible on YouVersion for the last 10+ years. This year, since I have a little extra time, I am reading through 2 different plans. The first plan uses the Old Testament to start and the second plan uses the Old Testament, New Testament and a Psalm or Proverb each day. The second plan are my favorite models for reading through the Bible each year.
So, I had a really rough late afternoon and evening yesterday. Finally got to bed and slept pretty well. Up early and ended my reading with Psalm 13. It was spot on, such a reality for me, and it pretty much undid me this morning. It starts with this:
O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long will I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand?
King David wrote most of this and his style is so helpful to me. He over and over starts with his struggle of accepting God’s love, grace, provision and care. He openly confesses that what he is feeling and seeing in his life is not consistent with who he knows God to be. I get it!
Last night as I was struggling with a massive headache, realizing again that my poor wife is having to see this, deal with this, figure out how to get through it, and eventually be on her own, I struggled! I am reminded that I may not be able to work again. I saw one client yesterday, and it seems to completely trigger my tumor and creates more head pain. One person, one session!! I am not working, making zero income, creating high medical expenses and making no money!! I only share this to say and acknowledge this really bothers me at times. If I get locked into that and focus on it too much, it creates nothing but negative, doubt, concern and questions.
To be fair, I typically don’t spend a bunch of time in that space, but it is there. I have to be very aware and find ways to refocus and get back into what is true, good and right! That’s the last part of Psalms 13.
“But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have reduced me. I will sing to the Lord because he is good to me.”
I, very much like David, struggle with some truths about God and who I am as his son. But at this point in my life, I pretty quickly get back to what I know is true. God loves me, he has been a good father, and my life has been more blessed than I could have imagined or deserved. I have been married to an amazing women for 33 years. I have three children that have been so amazing and such a gift to get to father and be in relationship with them. I have other family and friends that have been such a gift and blessing. My work in ministry and professional counseling has been more than I could ever have imagined or deserved. I don’t have extra money, but I have enough. Things get covered and taken care of, so it does no good to sit around and worry about money. My 57 years of life have been an amazing gift from God.
All is well and I will be okay! This life is always temporary. I am really trying to focus on today! One day at a time!
Maybe some of you can relate. Life is not fair. There are some very real challenges that each of you face and have to deal with. It’s okay to acknowledge that struggle. It’s also healthier to acknowledge the struggle, step out of it pretty quickly, and do what you can do… live where you have some power and a voice. Figure out how to go love someone, make a small, little difference in some area where you have influence.
Today, I am grateful to be alive. Grateful that my sweet wife puts up with me, even loves me even when I am being a complete fool. I am so excited about my daughter getting married next week and what an amazing young women she is, and that my two boys are amazing young men, good husbands, Mason is a great father and Michael will be in less than a month. My life has been such a gift, and when it ends it will be okay!
Remember- you matter, your life matters, and you are loved!!!
Peace,