Fear is a Liar
There are many things that I love about my counseling practice. I great group of therapists, excellent location and our slogan written on our outside wall. FEAR IS A LIAR!!!!!!
In 2015 I started working on and addressing the fear that was evident in my life. You will hear more about that. Mark Reding and his martial arts school became an important part of my life to actively practice and work through the way fear has impacted my life. Excited to tell you more about that but not today.
One of my desires in this process is to be honest, transparent and vulnerable with some of my writing. Today has been one of the harder days in this process for me. Remembering that “fear is a liar has been helpful but it took me a few hours to reset. Let me share a few thoughts and a little bit of my day.
For years I have struggled with sleep. I am a fan I just don’t do it very well. The last 4-6 months have really been challenging to get a good nights rest. I was up today at 4, got up quietly to not wake-up Natalie, got Gracie up and made coffee. Had the fire going, some music playing and just sitting on the couch with Gracie. Natalie got up at 5 and joined me for a cup of coffee, we were visiting and I had another one of my seizures. These seizures are not awful, I don’t end up on the ground shaking, go blank, but for a minute or so I can’t process a thought or really say what I am trying or want to say. I have had these for a couple of months but now I know they are a result of the brain tumor. They are a little unsettling and I know they scare and concern Natalie. She gave me a hug had a few tears and I decided to lay down on the couch for a little while.
I couldn’t really fall back to sleep and Natalie left for school a little after 6. She was concerned and that bugs me that I am causing this in her, gave her a hug and kiss and let her take off. I laid on the couch for a few more minutes and don’t like sharing this but started to cry, actually not cry, I started to sob. That has not happened in this process for me. I have had a few tears but no sobbing. I didn’t like it at all. I have always been a man very comfortable with tears, showing some emotions is a good thing, but not sobbing. Sobbing is a next level thing for me that I don’t enjoy. Gracie who I got to train to be a therapy dog for my work is turning into a therapy dog for me. She snuggled up with me and let me cry. Got myself back under control and told her we would go for a walk. Things seemed to be under control.
Grabbed my phone and walked back to our bedroom to change to head out on our walk. I glanced at my phone and saw a message from a very old friend that I have not heard from in probably 35 years. A friend I care a lot about but a friendship that ended because I was far more concerned about me than him. I didn’t read that message but immediately started to sob. This sob was a little different than then one I had 10 minutes before. This sob was a hard and beautiful reminder of all the things in my life that I have made a big deal out of and that in the grand scheme of things just don’t matter.